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Author Topic: Apocalyptic Humor  (Read 16495 times)

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AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #150 on: December 16, 2019, 02:53:30 pm »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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New Year Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #151 on: December 31, 2019, 11:58:48 am »

As they say in Brookyn: Cheer up! No matter how bad things are, they can always get woise.



Scene: Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has run away from home and is in a cave. The current resident of the cave, an arctic fox with a brooklyn accent :D, cheers him up with the song in the link above.

Arctic fox: I can read ya like a book. Your family never understood you. Your friends, they all turned their backs on you. You couldn't take it any more so you packed and fled.

Rudolf: Wow, you're good.

Arctic fox: Nyaaa. Here's a little secret kid. When things get bad, I mean REAL BAD, just remember it could always be woise. Allow me to elaborate.

Song Lyrics: If the glass looks half empty and your prospects are low, attitude adjustment is the only way to go; things could be woise than that.

You could be lost in the desert, 200 degrees, no water around and lots of snakes and bees.

Remember it's tough, and it's cold out there, life sometimes can be unfair.

So for every step forward, there's a step in revoise. Things could be better, they could always be woise.

Yes, things could be better in this big univoise, but remember it could always be woise.

Yes, things could be better in this big univoise, but remember it could always be woise.


« Last Edit: December 31, 2019, 02:55:57 pm by AGelbert »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Here's a fictional tale about our very possible future that you might enjoy. Feel free to pass it on with, or without, attribution.


Star Date 344,757.093821 (late naked ape tool makers date 2066): Gardener Commander Zarkploof Report 747:


The last of the naked ape tool makers ceased biochemical activity in the most recent revolution of the blue planet around it's sun. It fell in a nuclear waste pool while being chased at night by a pack of large canines. The canines left at dawn. The ape swam, then crawled, out but lapsed into unconsciousness from treading water for so long. It was then bitten by several large rodents and bled to death while trying to fend them off. The rodents, the canines and a nearby ant colony disposed of the remains. All of those creatures subsequently died of radionuclide poisoning. The radionuclide pollution is extensive. We have sent probes to aid existing species in maintaining some vitality. We are doing this in order to provide the biochemical substrate for reseeding efforts so we won't have to start from microscopic autotrophs in rebuilding the biological energy absorption pyramid.

It is estimated that 245,000 local years will be required for the nuclear contaminants (Mostly the one the naked apes called Plutonium but there are several others) to cease degrading the biosphere with harmful mutations.

Our DNA bank has 157% of the species populating the planetary biosphere prior to the naked ape polluting millennium that destroyed the naked apes. NOTE: We will file a detailed report on the extinct species such as the giant reptiles and mammals in regard to the reseeding timeline.

For the next 100,000 years we will seed various fungi to absorb radionuclides for the purpose of collecting them and depositing them in the local sun. Perhaps, because of this activity, the time for active reseeding can take place somewhat earlier than 245,000 years. But we must bear in mind what happened on the Zeta 382, which required an increase in wait time, instead of a decrease. As was the case at Zeta 382, there are chemicals the naked killer apes produced in their ignorance that, though not radioactive, are deleterious to life and even more difficult to eliminate than the radioactive elements. The glyphosate poison is one of many that are ubiquitous in this thoroughly degraded biosphere.  So caution is advised.

As to the naked killer ape tool makers, we recommend the DNA of this species be modified to prevent self awareness. It seems that self awareness, though it does help them develop primitive cause and effect horizon logic, does not aid them in avoiding the manufacture of tools to wantonly exploit the biosphere they require for life. These beings always seem to fail through the "fool with a tool" axiom of degenerate self aware species development postulated by the philosopher Glado the Putzenko in his "Beings that Don't Understand Being" treatise. They cannot seem to grasp the idea that defecating where one obtains nourishment is suicidal when the product of defecation is an industrial pollutant.

This planet is a very depressing and sad place to visit at the moment. Speaking for myself and all of the crew, I request home leave equivalent to 20 local planet years on our home planets.

One of the factors creating stress in our crew is the fact that the naked killer ape tool makers looked so much like us.



Respecfully,

Gardener Commander Zarkploof

 
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #153 on: January 17, 2020, 07:43:45 pm »

« Last Edit: February 13, 2022, 05:18:20 pm by AGelbert »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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🦀 Trump 🐘🦕😈🦖 "Triumph"
« Reply #154 on: January 23, 2020, 12:46:16 pm »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #155 on: February 06, 2020, 03:14:03 pm »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #156 on: February 12, 2020, 01:32:52 pm »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #157 on: March 02, 2020, 12:15:44 pm »
Quote
US Corona Strategy

1.  Clamp down on all negative virus updates

2.  Tease algos with coordinated CB 💵🎩 response of rate cuts (similar to endless Phase 1 hopium injections)

3.  Be seen having meetings with medical experts

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Moronavirus 🦀 🐘 Effects on US response to Coronavirus



It is clear that 🦀 Trump is infected with the moronavirus. There is no cure for that. However, confinement in a nice padded room with lots of psychotropic medication therapy by a team of dedicated psychiatrists can keep others from being infected.

Moronavirus contagion must be halted to prevent a National moronavirus pandemic.

The 🐘 Republican Party politicians. too many 🎩 Blue dog Democrats and the 🐍 DNC leadership appear to be also infected with moronavirus.

Senator Bernie Sanders, though appearing to be lucid up until recently, began to show moronavirus symptoms when he claimed that fracking champion 🦕 Biden was his "friend".

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #159 on: March 30, 2020, 11:11:33 pm »
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: Crowning Glory
« Reply #160 on: May 04, 2020, 09:26:59 pm »
Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: Crowning Glory

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Re: Apocalyptic Humor
« Reply #161 on: May 05, 2020, 01:05:41 pm »
Union of Concerned Scientists Cartoon of the Month




He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: The Masquerade
« Reply #162 on: May 05, 2020, 10:55:01 pm »
Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: The Masquerade
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: Cash Out
« Reply #163 on: May 07, 2020, 11:59:22 pm »
Mr. Fish's Catch of the Day: Cash Out

He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

AGelbert

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Quote
🦇 Adam Gits
'Twas the Lunar New Year, when all through the proletariat
Not a game meat was cooking, not even a bat;
The respirators were worn by the people with care,
With hopes that the virus wouldn't be there;

The infected were nestled in hospital beds,
While burning hot fevers were cooking their heads;
And mamma in quarantine, and I in house arrest,
Cried ourselves to sleep as the illness progressed,

When out in Wuhan arose a new hospital,
It sprang up so fast it seemed impossible.
Away the sick were taken like a flash,
But later they died and cremated like trash.

Eventually the truth came and damn it was sad
The virus was on purpose and made in a lab,
When, what did scientific eyes should see,
It was a bat virus with added HIV;

The virus spread fast, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment the world would get sick.
More rapid than eagles the accusers they came,
They knew the communist party was to blame;

The economy tanked, supply chains ran dry,
Airports shut down, nobody could fly,
People panicked as store shelves went bare,
Bodies piled high, people filled with despair;

Big pharma stepped in, look a vaccine!
But the after effects were sick and obscene,
The virus itself was part one of two,
The vaccine was something we couldn't undo;

The Earth would go on, but humans were done,
So spread your *** cheeks and insert your thumb,
The Earth yelled something harsh and succinct,
I'M SO GLAD HUMANS ARE EXTINCT!

Agelbert NOTE: It only hurts when you laugh.

Tuesday, May 5, 2020 - 01:00


Quote
What causes people suffering from lung diseases to feel breathless is not the fall in oxygen levels but rather the body sensing the rising levels of carbon dioxide.
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt 10:37

 

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