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  • Location: Colchester, Vermont
    • Renwable Revolution

Vermont Stories and Historical Gossip BEFORE GLOBAL WARMING. 

Although it may not be obvious to the casual observer, the population of the State of Vermont can be sorted into two distinct types:

1.Those people whose families have lived in Vermont since it was settled and whose family folklore includes tales of the great Republic of Vermont, when Vermont was an Independent Country, and who have never quite forgiven Ethan Allen for agreeing to join the Union despite all of his other fine accomplishments. These people, who will subsequently be referred to as "Native Vermonters", are hardy and hard working, straightforward and straight talking, and are the foundation of everything that makes Vermont great. They are also almost, but not quite, completely invisible in the current Vermont landscape.

2.Everyone else, who will subsequently be referred to as "Flatlanders." Flatlanders are sometimes called "New Yorkers" by older Native Vermonters.

Vermont has always had a population of Flatlanders: those who've moved to Vermont from somewhere else because Vermont "is such a nice place." In recent years those who pay attention to the media might conclude that Flatlanders have taken over the entire State. It is true that important Towns like Montpelier (the State capital) and Burlington (a self-styled major metropolitan city) are almost, but not quite, exclusively populated by Flatlanders.

Native Vermonters quite sensibly regard the current large numbers of Flatlanders to be a temporary phenomenon and have the attitude of "This Too Shall Pass." Like mud season.  ;D They know that as soon as it appears to the Flatlanders that Vermont has somehow, despite all their progressive efforts , become "just like everywhere else", they will move away in droves. Perhaps leaving behind a few people, who might after a few generations be considered "Newcomers"  ;)  to Vermont by the Natives and occupy that wide gray area between the two solitudes, so to speak.

This book reveals for the first time the true History of Vermont as maintained by Native Vermonters.  8)  When the influx of Flatlanders started to become chronic Native Vermonters agreed in a series of Town Meetings to conceal some of the more interesting episodes of Vermont History by the simple and expedient method of denying knowledge of any such thing and implying that the questioner was a few cows short of a herd.  ;D  This tactic was incredibly successful and centuries of Vermont History were hidden this way. The truth of this remarkable assertion can be demonstrated at any time by finding an older person in Vermont (Flatlanders without exception move to Florida once their joints reach a certain age and temperature) and asking that person whether he or she has heard of the events described in this book. The answer will invariably be "No." followed by something on the order of "What's the weather like on the planet you come from?"   ;D

How did the author, who moved to Vermont from California, learn of this secret history? The answer is that he inadvertently acquired two undeniable attributes of Native Vermontership as follows:

1.He purchased property in a Town in which the terrain goes uphill in both directions. (Admittedly this is not a difficult feat in Vermont.)

2.He built and occupied a one-room log cabin with just a wood stove and without utility power for an entire Vermont winter (11.5 months).  Actually he did this for two entire Vermont winters in a row but no one noticed because it's extremely difficult for anyone, even Native Vermonters, to determine when one Vermont winter ends and the next one begins.  ;D

One day after walking uphill (of course  ) in the snow for hours into Town for a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup the other people in the Town Restaurant began to talk about strange events in his presence. After several more days of walking uphill (of course  ) in the snow for hours into Town for a breakfast of pancakes and maple syrup the author began to piece together the incredible Secret History of Vermont.  ;)

Why is the author willing to reveal these incredible truths? The answer is that if he publishes a book and someone actually buys it then all those breakfasts become tax-deductible as a research expense. Free food!  Everyone has their price when it comes to betraying deep secrets. That's mine. 



The word "Vermont" derives from Olde Neanderthale but modern day scholars are divided as to its precise meaning. Some say that it comes from "ver mont" which in Olde Neanderthale means "Heaven on Earth" but others insist that it really comes from "verm ont" which means "Any place that if you stay there during the winter you must have rocks in your head." Olde Neanderthale is a very pithy language.

Back in the days when the U.S. Federal Government was disorganized and inefficient (1789 to date) it often had difficulty maintaining an adequate supply of currency.

The problem with cows is that they are large and difficult to store.

The problem of keeping the paddlewheel boats running during the winter was solved in a typical Vermont fashion. Instead of trying to keep the water channels open, the paddlewheels were affixed with chains, the entire boat was mounted on sled runners, and a snowplow was attached to the front. As a result, the paddlewheel boats ran considerably faster on the ice during the winter than they did in the water during the summer. The summer slowdown was tolerated because it typically only lasted 15 days.

Vermont is unique among the states in that it has two completely independent State governments. The first, known as the Vermont State Government, has no bureaucrats, has levied no taxes, and is of the opinion that it isn't the government's place to go around telling people what to do. It has the highest approval ratings of any governmental organization in the observed universe. The other is known as the Montpelier Legislature whose motto is, "Pass six unenforceable regulations before breakfast."

Because it is a major cause of pain and suffering the Montpelier Legislature occasionally proposes a bill outlawing Death and is puzzled each time when the idea is solidly rejected by the citizens. This is because the citizens have seen that Death is practically the only way a member of the Montpelier Legislature can be persuaded to give up his or her seat.

During the right time of year a visitor to Vermont cannot help but to be astonished at the amount of acreage devoted to growing corn. A simple calculation shows that during its 15 day growing season Vermont grows enough corn to feed all of Asia and Africa for several years. Where does all this corn go?

Some of it is fed to cows. Cows are no longer legal tender but cows give milk that can be made into Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream which is legal tender in most parts of the world. Some of the corn is converted into whisky most of which is discretely exported to foreign places like Kentucky and Tennessee.

The Vermont Libertarian Mountain Lion

Unlike moose, which are officially everywhere, mountain lions officially don't exist. There hasn't been a proved sighting of a mountain lion by a certified official for over a hundred years. Occasionally someone will claim they've seen a mountain lion, or catamount as they're sometimes called by Native Vermonters, but the evidence is never enough to survive the so-called trial by immersion in a Montpelier manure pit.

The Vermont Tin Pecker

The absence of the usual clue, warmer weather, makes it difficult to tell when spring is coming to Vermont. Nevertheless there are a few signs well known to all Vermonters. When people all over the State are awakened half an hour before the alarm clock by the vigorous percussion of a diamond-hard beak on chimney pipe or roof flashing then you can tell that the springtime mating season of the Vermont Tin Pecker has begun.

Radiocarbon Dating

It's not that Vermont isn't full of jokers. (Drive a car with out-of-state plates and ask directions from someone in Vermont sometime. Please!) It's just that the conclusion that every single Vermont archaeology student independently decides to pull exactly the same prank is one that only an Archaeology Professor or Radiocarbon Lab Owner would come to.

The other conclusion, that the canning jar racks in grandma's basement are 30,000 years old, is one of those things that's so completely and totally obvious that the maintainers of the Secret History don't have the slightest worry of it ever being discovered

Rob not the poor, because he is poor: neither oppress the afflicted in the gate:
For the Lord will plead their cause, and spoil the soul of those that spoiled them. Pr. 22:22-23


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